PICARESQUE

episodic fantasy tale


The red sun was touching the tips of the oaks and cedars of the nameless wood west of the Black Marshes. Summer cicadas droned on loud and steady like the hammers of the men who pounded the palisade logs into the mud around the village of Brandonsford. A stream babbled unhurried past the village, its cool water shimmering in golden dapples. The people of Brandonsford were setting up defenses. They had every right to be scared. A dragon had been harrying them for two weeks and they were running out of options. Their only defense had been a group of hunters from George's lodge, but they were all dead now. George had come back alone, his right arm gone, and scarred in more ways than one. He had gone straight to his lodge and locked the door, refusing any company.

The black wyrm wasn't the only thing threatening the village. Faeries of all kinds have lived in this forest for millennia, stretching back far beyond the history of the men that settled here after The Mountain That Fell, hoping to harness its magic. Yes, the forest was a Wild place, and was home to many Wild creatures: a family of strange satyrs, pixies, river nixies, leprechauns, and even a giant. Recently, not long before the dragon appeared, a hobgoblin king and his score of minions had taken up residence in a ruined forest temple not too far to the north, if the hushed rumors spoken in the inns and the village circle were to be believed.

Eric, a round man of about forty-five, was worrying by candlelight in his home. He was the town reeve. His face was framed by thick brown mutton chops, and purple-ringed eyes fixed upon the parchment on his desk. One thousand gold pieces! He didn't know how the village would be able to pay such a bounty, but the dragon simply had to be dealt with. And the going rate for dragon-slaying had gone up in recent memory, of that he was sure. Eric remembered when the most a reeve had to shell out was gratitude and maybe a feast in the hero's honor. But those days were long past. To make matters worse, it was almost time for Brandonsford to renew their tribute to the elves of Castle Blackmarsh. The elf ambassador was here in the village, unable to travel because of the threat of the dragon. So, Eric, having no other options, signed the document and went out and nailed it to the quest board. “Oh, I do hope some brave knight will come and kill the blasted thing, or I don't know what'll become of us!” Eric thought, tired eyes wide.


The Clumsy Fox Tavern was normally a place of merriment, but was rather dour this evening. The fiddler was taking the night off on account of his arthritis flaring up again, and so the only things to be heard were the nervous voices of villagers, the occasional clink of dishes on cutlery, the knock of hammers on wood outside, and the ever-present chatter of cicadas. The last light of day shone red on the interior of the tavern: a homely space, built of cedar and furnished with sturdy oaken tables and benches. The owner, Bentley, was a halfling with large round spectacles and thinning grey curls. His normally jolly expression was instead gloomy as he looked out over the sad lot drinking in his tavern. His three daughters could tell that their father wasn't himself, but they kept on washing the dishes. His wife glanced nervously at a table in the corner where four mysterious, cloaked outsiders sat in silence. They were from out of town, and had made no effort so far to seem neighborly.

At another table, four noble adventurers sat. Two gnomes, a human, and an elf. Bentley appreciated this type of traveler—the kind that buys lots of ale, tells interesting stories, and rescues the blacksmith's daughter. Bentley was drying a mug with a rag, not aware he was staring at the adventurers, lost in reverie. They seemed to be discussing matters of great importance, and Bentley sighed.


“No, no, my name is not ‘Ber-gull’, it’s got a ‘juh’ sound. Bergle. Soft ‘g’,” said the old gnome dressed in mages’ robes.

“Where does a name like that come from, anyway?” asked Calmin, the other, much younger, gnome. He was wearing chain mail and had a shortsword at his side, and was on his fourth ale. Bergle’s brow furrowed at the question, and opened his mouth to respond.

The elf interjected, “Should we kill the dragon?” The two gnomes looked at him and blinked. Garold was well-traveled elf, and by the looks of his clothing, a well-off elf too.

“And how do you suppose we do that, Garold?”

“Well, that’s the part we would need to figure out, but it sure would get us a lot of coin.”

The human next to them looked at Garold. He was still getting used to his new companions. Hammy was a man in his mid-twenties, and wore a simple white tunic and his head was shaved. The traditional apparel of a cleric of Thoth.

The door burst open and a man was standing in the threshold of the tavern, casting a long shadow over the swath of golden light.

BENTLEY! I've just about had it with your rotten schemes! I don't know how you're doing it, but I know you're trying to ruin me! You're not gonna get away with it!” The man shouting was Quinn, the owner of The Golden Egg Tavern. He had a long white beard and piercing features, which were currently contorted in jealous anger. He pointed vigorously and shouted for a little while longer, turned, and stormed off across the village circle back to his own tavern.

The room was silent. This was quite the unexpected outburst from Quinn, who everyone knew as very friendly and mild-mannered. Murmurs began rippling across the tavern, and people were wondering if Quinn’s accusations were true, or if this was some kind of act to lift spirits, or if Quinn had finally cracked! In the corner, the cloaked outsiders were leaning in, whispering amongst themselves.

Bergle the gnome waved Bentley over to the table, and he approached, still somewhat stunned.

“What was all that about?” Bergle wondered.

Bentley collected himself, sighed, and pushed his spectacles back up to the bridge of his nose. “Ah, well, mister Quinn has been accusing me of stealing his beer. Says his supply is dwindlin’. No matter how much money he spends on gettin’ good beer into his cellar, it’s all gone by the next morning. A mystery, that. But I tell you, I'm no thief. I run an honest business here, old Eric can attest to that. I ain't a cheater.”

“So Quinn thinks you're stealing his beer out of his cellar, and selling it here as your own?”

“Aye, that's about the size of it,” Bentley sighed. “It’s a real shame what’s happening to this town. The dragon has really soured things.” He poured Calmin another pint. “Have you all heard that merchants are too afraid to bring supplies through the forest? Quinn and I are both really hurtin’ from the lack of shipments. The whole town is! I hate to see him so upset at me for somethin’ I didn’t even do.” Bentley frowned, then squinted at the party of adventurers conspiratorially. “Say, you don't think you could investigate this, could you? Convince old Quinn that I ain't the thief he thinks I am?”

Garold leaned forward and folded his hands. “Sure we could, but what’s in it for us?”


Calmin, Bergle, Hammy, and Garold were crouched in the cellar of the Golden Egg Tavern, well after midnight. After agreeing with Bentley on a suitable fee for their services, the newly-formed group had gone to speak with Quinn just after dark. The bony, white-bearded old man was more than happy to have someone solve the problem of his missing beer. He had explained that every time he had tried to stay on guard for intruders, he had fallen asleep. So there in the cellar the adventurers sat, waiting for the beer thief.

“How do we know they’ll come tonight?” Garold wondered aloud.

“We don’t,” whispered Bergle, “but Quinn said that every time he gets more ale, it’s always gone the next morning. So whoever’s stealing it must sneak in often.”

Calmin the gnome was crouched in the dirt by the rickety wooden stairs, a burlap sack in his hands. Despite his small stature, he was, without question, the strongest of the four. The plan was for Calmin to bag the intruder once they reached the bottom of the stairs. “Didn’t the owner mention he locks up every night? The thief must be good with his fingers. Good at picking locks, I mean.”

“Quinn,” Bergle said.

“Huh?”

“The owner’s name is Quinn.”

“Why are you sure it’s a he?” Hammy wondered.

“Oh,” Calmin said, “I don’t know.”

Garold waved his hands in silent alarm. “Shhh! I think I heard something.”

They all went silent, squinting at the floorboards above them in the darkness. All four of them heard a long, low creak coming from the front door. Then they heard a faint pit pat, pit pat, pit pat like small footsteps making their way across the main hall of the tavern. The footsteps arrived to the locked cellar door, which immediately swung open with another creak.

Hammy frowned. That door had definitely been deadbolted shut. There’s no way it could’ve been opened that quickly. Unless…

There was a long silence. The four investigators were holding their breath. They knew the thief was at the top of the stairs looking down into the pitch black cellar. For a moment, they feared their cover was blown. But soon enough, the thief continued down the stairs.

Calmin was pure focus as he watched the stairs, sack at the ready. Their quarry would be within arms reach any moment now…

Something was not right. The pit pat, pit pat of the footsteps continued down the stairs, but there wasn't anybody there. Calmin, Bergle, Garold, and Hammy stared wide-eyed as footprints started appearing in the dirt of the cellar floor, making a path towards the beer keg. Bergle suddenly had a realization. “They’re invisible.” He hadn’t meant to speak the words aloud, but it was too late. A yelp issued forth from directly above the footprints and a cloud of dust erupted as the invisible thief spun around and darted back towards the stairs fast.

“Don’t let it get to the door!” Bergle shouted.

Calmin dropped the empty sack and bounded up the stairs. He could hear the creature’s footsteps and had a pretty good idea of where it was. He made it to the cellar door first and slammed it shut. Calmin drew his sword and spun around, pressing his back to the door to block the doorway as the footsteps came scurrying up the stairs. The gnome focused on the noise and pointed his blade at it. The next thing he knew, he was on his back and the thief had run right over him, planting a foot on his face. The door was open and the invisible creature was sprinting across the dining room to the front door.

The rest of the group made it up the stairs.

“I need to be able to see it!” Bergle shouted. Hammy grabbed a tankard halfway filled with stale beer from a nearby table, and hurled it blindly towards the front door of the tavern. It sailed through the room and smacked into thin air, shattering on impact and covering the invisible creature with warm, sticky beer. The thief was small, shorter even than Calmin and Bergle.

Bergle immediately murmured an incantation and made a gesture with his hands. The beer-coated creature slowed, toppled face-first to the floor, and began to snore loudly.


The night air was cool. The party was outside the Golden Egg Tavern, where they were trying to decide what to do with the unconscious thief. Calmin was holding the beer-covered being around the torso. As soon as it had fallen asleep under Bergle’s spell, it had turned visible. The creature was a clurichaun, which, as Hammy pointed out, was no different than a leprechaun on a drinking spree. It was only two feet tall. The clurichaun hung limp in the gnome’s arms. He wore a red square-cut coat with rich gold embroidery, a black wool bicorne hat on his head, and red breeches. Tucked into his belt was leather sheathe containing a razor-sharp dagger, which Calmin had confiscated. The clurichaun had a jagged orange beard, but was otherwise bald.

Calmin gave him a shake. The little thief started awake and immediately began swinging his fists and cursing at his captors.

“Put me down for pot’s sake! Ack! Unhand me!”

Hammy stepped closer to the struggling clurichaun. “My name is Hammy, what’s your name?”

The clurichaun squirmed in Calmin's grip and managed to get a hand on his leather dagger sheathe. In one swift motion, he unfastened the strap, grabbed where his dagger should have been, and swung his empty fist towards Hammy’s neck. He saw that his dagger wasn’t there and groaned. A dark expression of anger and resignation came over him. “I’m Naggeneen. You can put me down now, tarnished gold!” Naggeneen growled. He looked supremely annoyed.

“I don’t think so, faerie,” Hammy said. “We don’t want you turning invisible and running off again.”

Bergle piped up. “Actually, I don’t think he can. We caught him fair and square, and he can’t use his powers any more. Not until we formally let him go free again. Isn’t that right, little guy?” Bergle smirked at the clurichaun, who sighed.

“I’d hardly call that fair,” Naggeneen said, glancing at the spellbook at Bergle’s side. “But yes, congratulations, you caught me.” He straightened his bicorne hat.

Garold looked very pleased at this revelation. “So you’re telling me this thing has to do whatever we say, forever? He can turn invisible and open locked doors without a key; what else can he do, fly?”

Naggeneen’s eyes widened in panic. “No! That is not how it works,” he held up a finger, trying to think. “Louring luck, why did I have to go and get caught by a rotten pack of second-rate ratcatchers?” He closed his eyes and thought for a moment.

Naggeneen dreaded what he was about to say next. “Okay,” he said slowly, calming himself. “I’ll make you a deal. You mortals love deals.”

“I thought the fey loved deals,” Calmin replied.

Garold the elf nodded solemnly, “We do.”

The faerie continued. “I used to live in a temple in the forest north of here. I still keep my stash of gold there under a patch of clovers, and it’s over five hundred gold coins, last I counted. Put me down, and I’ll lead you there, and then you’ll release me. And in exchange, you can keep all my gold.”


Naggeneen led the way through the Wild forest, grumbling to himself, with an elf, a man, and two gnomes following close behind. The group passed had crossed the Brandonsford bridge over the stream and cut away from the westerly path and veered north, into the brush. The band had decided to go immediately to the old temple, despite the hour. It was still the middle of the night, but they had not wanted to risk the clurichaun escaping. The nature of a clurichaun is such that if they are caught, their magic ceases to work until they are released, Bergle had informed them. So they trudged onward, Hammy’s lantern providing light. The air was soupy, and clung to their skin like a blanket. A chorus of crickets chirped about them, and where they stepped, critters of all kinds scurried away into the thick brush.

They rounded a corner and came upon a glade, where the moon shone down on a small fox, who was statue-still and staring right at them. The moonlight bathed the fox in blue light, and revealed a strange and wonderful quality of this fox: it was golden. The fox’s golden coat was glittering like jewelry, refracting the moonlight and casting little speckles of light around it. For a second, no one moved. They were enamored. Was it a statue? A cast someone had left out here in the woods? Bergle knew some kind of magic was at work. Yes, he could feel it. He reached a robed hand out to the fox, which darted into the brush and into the night.


Naggeneen led the party to a large clearing where a ruined, ivy-covered temple stood under the stars. Its roof had long since collapsed, leaving a gaping hole in the top of the temple.

Naggeneen signaled for them to halt when he reached the treeline. “Here we are,” he whispered.

Calmin squinted at the ruins. Movement could be seen through the cracks and windows.

“Naggeneen, you failed to mention the goblins.”

“What if I talked to them?” Garold mused, stroking his chin.

“You want to talk to the goblins?” Naggeneen scoffed. “They aren’t exactly the reasonable sort.”

Garold shook his head. “I’m good at talking. I can be a merchant, or a salesman of some fine wines or something. If I parley with them, would the rest of you be able to sneak around back and dig up the treasure?” He sneered at Naggeneen. “Nag, where is your ‘pot-o-gold’?

The clurichaun’s face grew as red as his jacket. He muttered a curse through gritted teeth. These fools were making a mockery of him, but he had no choice but to put up with it. At least, not until he completed his job and they finally released him. “There. Under the clovers.” He pointed to a rear corner of the ruined building. Next to a crumbling gap in the wall, there was a patch of green slightly greener than the surrounding grass of the clearing. “There’s a, ah, problem, though.”


The building in the center of the clearing was large and, at one point, probably magnificent. It was a masonry structure, built of redstone with grey lime trim. It was a chapel, or some place of worship from a time long past. The steeply pitched roof was now nothing more than a few slate shingles hanging on for dear life. The chapel’s wooden skeleton could be seen poking out in several places. Large holes marred the walls. Ivy snaked up the walls and twisted through every crack.

Bergle the gnome and Garold the elf walked across the clearing towards the chapel entrance. They couldn’t make out much in the moonlight, but little dark shapes could be seen darting in and around the dilapidated chapel. A horn blast, issuing forth from a cracked tower, echoed across the clearing as the two adventurers continued to approach. Bergle and Garold had their hands up in surrender as a squad of twisted, spear-wielding goblins rushed out to meet them, forming a half circle of deadly pointed steel.


Naggeneen was crouched in the grass, nearing the rear corner of the building. The three-foot-wide crack in the masonry ran floor to ceiling, giving Hammy, Calmin, and the clurichaun a clear view into the throne room: a muscled red goblin sat atop a carved stone throne mere feet away from the opening. Sounds of merriment had turned to tense silence after the alarm horn had been sounded, and goblin guards with spears had taken up position in front of the throne-goblin.

Carefully, Naggeneen turned to face Calmin and Hammy. He gestured for them to be silent, then pointed to the patch of clovers by the hole in the wall. It was the only patch of clovers in the meadow, and it was quite green, even in the moonlight. They nodded and readied their spades, awaiting the distraction.


The half-circle of spears quickly formed a full circle as more goblins filed in, surrounding Garold and Bergle. A pair of goblins with a twine net came forward and threw it over the two adventurers unceremoniously (and rather ineptly—it hung around them like a sheet but did little to hamper their movement). One of the goblins who brought the net started speaking in a language Bergle didn’t understand.

Garold grinned. “Goblin. Studied it in grade school, though I’m not familiar with this particular dialect. Let’s see…”

Garold and the net-goblin proceeded to engage in an erratic and lively debate that involved many wild hand gestures and the use of props. Bergle wasn’t sure if Garold’s “parley” was alleviating the goblin’s concerns or exacerbating them. The negotiations ended a few moments later, and the goblin harrumphed and gestured at the others in his squad. The two were led, by net, towards the chapel. They had to take care not to trip on the net as they trudged forward at spear-point, dragging the net behind them like a dress train.

They were roughly shoved through a portal of hanging vines into the chapel’s antechamber. The room was unlit, save for a finger of blue moonlight illuminating a swath of stone-tiled floor, on which a babbling statue fountain stood. The statue was an archaic depiction of a robed man with his hands raised to the sky. Bergle and Garold were brought to a halt ten feet before the fountain, and the net was yanked away. The goblin they’d talked to disappeared deeper into the chapel. A minute later, in the darkness beyond the moonlight, they saw a figure approaching. It came slowly around the fountain and entered the moonlight a few feet in front of them.

The thing was man-sized—taller than Bergle, shorter than Garold—but a man it was not. It looked strong, with knotted muscles and a slight forward hunch. Its face was like a boar’s, its skin the color of red clay, and sported a snub-nosed snout with two sharp, curling tusks jutting at odd angles. Its ears were large and pierced. Contrasting its bestial appearance, it was well-dressed: leather shoes, ochre-colored wool breeks, a blue cotton tunic with gold-embroidered fringes, and a gleaming steel breastplate. On its clawed left index finger was a silver ring that resembled interwoven vines, and at its hip was a rapier in an elegant scabbard. This was the Goblin King.

He stood there a moment, hand resting on his rapier, sizing up Garold and Bergle. Then he spoke in a gravelly baritone.

Hogsboon, at thy service.” He gave an exaggerated bow. “Whom do I have the honor of meeting here, in my demesne, under such adventitious circumstances?”

Bergle could understand him. The goblin king was speaking an old dialect of the human tongue. He didn’t appear pleased. Garold took a step forward, which cause some of the spear-wielding goblins to ruffle and tighten their grips.

“I am Garold Greenleaf, Greenleaf LLC. This is my business partner, Bergle. We come in peace.

Hogsboon smiled mirthlessly. “Ye art merchants who come to conduct commerce. Hmmm… Pray, where is ye stock? Ye inventory?” His face twisted into a scowl. “I see nothing on thy person, unless thou intendeth to sell me the threads off thy back, pedlar elf.”

Garold Greenleaf, Greenleaf LLC. was only slightly unnerved by this goblin king’s condescension, and plowed on. “We’re here to offer you help, great Hogsboon. We know there’s trouble brewing in this forest. We’ve heard rumors of the giant, and the witch. And we’ve seen the dragon.”

The king tried to conceal his shock, but Bergle was watching him intently. The goblin king was interested.

Hogsboon glared at them. “So ye’ve laid eyes upon the wyrm. My own eyes have seen the wyrm, it is not that impressive. How dost thou intend to help us, other than merely gazing upon sundry creatures?”

Bergle could tell that Hogsboon was trying not to tip his hand. He spoke up. “You’re in trouble, Hogsboon. The giant is a threat to your fort here, isn’t it? The dragon too. We could slay it. We—“

Nay! Do not slay the wyrm. Not that ye could croak such a beast…” Hogsboon thought for a moment. “Merchants, pray, ye hail from Brandonsford?” Bergle and Garold told him they did. Why was he asking that?

Hogsboon cursed. “Gods, but if I were not so desperate, I’d be having my cooks plate ye up for the young. Oh, wipe that expression from thy face. Ye are in luck. I be the one presently at a disadvantage.” He motioned for one of his servants, who brought him a wooden box. He bent down, undid the latch and produced a coiled hempen rope. Holding it reverently, he turned to face Bergle and Garold again.

“It’s a… rope?” Garold asked.

“This is an artifact of great power,” whispered Hogsboon. “We found it in a refuse pile behind a house of ill repute, among various other knicker-knackers. Here lay the rub: anything tied to the end of this cord becomes weightless; like a feather.”

He stepped forward and placed the rope in Garold’s arms, then looked them both in the eye. “And YE are going to bring the Black Wyrm of Brandonsford to me, alive.”


Hammy, Calmin, and Nag finished stuffing the gold into their bags and quickly refilled the hole with dirt. They ran towards the treeline, hundreds of gold pieces richer.